Hotel Ladybird

Occasionally in this busy life its nice to take half an hour out to just be quiet and concentrate on putting something back into this planet, give nature a bit of a helping hand, as it were. So today I decided to get together all the bits and pieces I'd collected to make a ladybird hibernation shelter. Its a kind of you pat my back thing because after all they do help us along by putting aphids at the top of their menu.

Did you know that out of the 46 species now found in Britain only 26 are recognisable as ladybirds, that's a strange one isn't it, because if it doesn't look like a ladybird then how did these people who write about them, first assume that they might be. Its like spotting a bug you have never seen before, deciding that its a woodlouse and then writing a paper on the many species of woodlice that don't look anything like them.

Anyway, John and I had read about these shelters in a magazine and we promised to make one each as soon as we had collected enough cardboard. He made his 3 weeks ago and then proceeded to remind me regularly that I hadn't done mine. Today it got to the point where you could not see the utility room because it was buried in cardboard and I was in danger of slapping John if he trotted out the fact that I hadn't done mine, so I set to work. Of course he sat opposite me and commented that I wasn't doing it right, but I smiled and did it his way, after all he was now an expert in such things, unlike me. I've put up a picture of mine, but not John's, Why? because mine is way better *grin*

Today's nature report was brought to you by The Elton Ladybird Appreciation Society, next week we'll be showing our support for ornamental koi carp by filling in the pond to prevent us from allowing the local heron to become obese.

P.S. If you are tempted to make one, hide it in some shrubbery because the little blighters like their privacy.

At Last!

Thinking about my lovely friend Victoria who is right now in theatre undergoing a double lung transplant. She has waited for 4 years and 3 months, during which time she has been called to the hospital 8 times, only to find that the operation would not go ahead. Tor's life has been so very hard for so long and I can't imagine how her family and friends have coped with watching her daily struggle, but they have and now their prayers have been answered.

The operation is huge and the recovery is not an easy path so I'll be praying from here on in for everything to go well for her. I'll also be keeping the donor and their family and friends in my prayers because today they lost their loved one. Thank you for making the decision to donate in order to give the gift of life to someone you may never know. Someone, somewhere made that same decision and my son was given precious time with us that we will treasure forever. Priceless, that's what it is.

Come on Tor, we're all behind you as you start this new chapter of your life.

www.lltgl.org.uk

A different path

I originally thought I would take some time out to consider what my next move would be, return to university, look for a job in care, be a homemaker, full time gardener maybe! But as life has a habit of doing it has kind of made my mind up for me.

I’ve decided not to return to the nursing course because the time out has shown me that although I have wanted to be a nurse since I was 16, I had it all a bit confused in my head. I wanted to care for people, yes! But, to be perfectly honest the clinical skills side of things scared the heck out of me, I was terrified of causing any harm to anyone. Not unusual, but when you become nervous about whether you’re doing every single thing absolutely right it does start to lose balance.

Joining the Red Cross in my thirties and having to leave because I felt panicked by an emergency situation should have given me a hint that maybe nursing wasn’t the best choice of career for me. But no, I persisted and convinced myself that I could be taught to deal with such things, it was just a matter of learning the essential skills and I’d be fine. I’d managed to learn many clinical skills and carry them out confidently at home during Chris’s life with CF hadn’t I.

It’s not that I can’t do the blood and guts thing, I’m fine with that, it’s the responsibility of doing anything that could possibly hurt another human being. It frightens the life out of me and that’s not good, it doesn’t make a confident nurse. The turning point came when, as a student I was involved in a situation that could have potentially harmed a patient. As it turned out there was no harm to the patient whatsoever, but my reaction could have been deemed to be over the top. I was mortified about what might have been and I kept going over the what if scenario. I just couldn’t come to terms with it.

Frustration also played a part in why I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I wanted to spend more time on the basic tasks like feeding people and talking to them when they were in need of an ear, but that is more the role of the Health Care Assistants nowadays and at times I envied them, despite the fact that they were run off their feet. I was often called away in the middle of something I considered really important because there was paperwork to be filled in or things to be delivered to another department and that disturbed me. I understand that the ward routine has to have structure otherwise nothing will get done, but I will never understand why, at a crucial time, it can’t be left for a little while longer, because for that patient another few minutes might have made all the difference.

As I said at the beginning my direction has changed and I am now heading down a different path, it’s early days and I’m not sure how things will pan out so I’ll wait until I’m a bit further down the path before I blog about it.

Hedging

What is it with counselling that makes you feel like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards! No ordinary hedge though, like a privet that has soft velvety leaves, but a hedge like the one in my back garden which has big long spikes. I was thinking about hedges as I drove to my appointment today actually, because for the last two days I have been giving mine a much needed trim.

As I corrected my arms on the steering wheel to the ten o clock position that my instructor insisted was the proper way to do it, I noticed the angry scratches on the underside of my arms from my wrist to my elbow which were inflicted by the big long spiky hedge whilst carrying out the trim. Oh heck I thought, I really don’t need to be walking into a counselling session with these arms and if I try to explain that the angry scratches are the result of cutting a hedge I’m pretty sure I’ll get the smiley nod that says, ‘course they are’. Panic!! I always have a spare jacket or cardi in the car in case I break down or come across someone who’s in need of a bit of warm clothing. Hahaha! Not this time though, oh no, this time is the one and only time you will not have anything in the car that would cover a freckle, let alone two well fed arms. Sod it, I’ll just have to keep them firmly attached to my side and if I am offered anything my whole body will have to move as one to take it. Phew, sorted

I liked the counsellor a lot and we made some headway with unravelling the bits and pieces that are making my head feel like an out of control hedge full of cobwebs and crawly things, so I’ll be going back there again. I don’t think she noticed my ravaged arms because when she offered me a pen I managed to pick it up at one with my hip in a smooth flowing type motion. Lessons learned from today are, don’t cut thorny hedges before a counselling session and always keep a cardi in the car.

It’s been a good day today, I have been fed and watered by three of my lovely friends and my head is a weeny bit clearer. Praise God!

Time Out

It’s been a disorienting time in my world this last week or so and such things need blogging about in order to make my mind less busy. It all started just over a week ago when a bit of a traumatic event happened on the ward. I can’t go into any more detail but suffice to say that I was traumatised and lost my feet, legs, head and coherentness. As is my (peculiar) survival technique I wanted to run very far away, change my name and live in a cave, at one with nature, far from man woman and child.

Alternatively I could always pretend I have amnesia and claim to know nothing about anything, I could even convince myself that the little voice in my head saying ‘I want to be a nurse’ was down to the fact that I’d been more than a little bit engrossed in Holby City. These were all very tempting excuses for why I suddenly found myself in alien territory, after all I could not possibly let the world and it’s wife know that I wasn’t coping, could I!

To answer my own question, yes of course I could let the whole world know, so I got on the phone and told my placement I wouldn’t be back, left a message for my course leader at uni saying that I had decided to leave, told my family and friends that I wasn’t cut out for nursing, packed all my books away and weeded the garden to within an inch of its life. Ahhhh! I should feel better now! But! I didn’t.

Bless my course leader, she wanted to have a chat, which is the last thing I wanted because I am weak and can be talked round very easily. I agreed to chat without hesitation (see how easily I can be talked into it). I won’t go into everything that was said but the gist of it is she asked me consider my options, I could leave now and that would be it, I could defer for a year or I could suspended my studies for 6 months to give me time to think things over, during which time I could return any time from now until December if I changed my mind.

I took the last option because I honestly don’t think I would return after a year out and what did I have to lose by giving my head a chance to make sure it made the right decision. But! The most enlightening thing that came out of all of this is, she advised me to get some counselling. I don’t need it! (I thought) I just don’t want to be a nurse anymore because it isn’t what I thought it would be. She said that she was worried by the fact that the opinion I had of myself did not reflect in my grades or the feedback that I had from my placement mentors.

That stumped me! Do I have a self esteem problem and do I hide it unconsciously? Needless to say I'm off for counselling on Monday because maybe I have something to learn about myself. Try it and see.....always been my motto that has.