Hedging

What is it with counselling that makes you feel like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards! No ordinary hedge though, like a privet that has soft velvety leaves, but a hedge like the one in my back garden which has big long spikes. I was thinking about hedges as I drove to my appointment today actually, because for the last two days I have been giving mine a much needed trim.

As I corrected my arms on the steering wheel to the ten o clock position that my instructor insisted was the proper way to do it, I noticed the angry scratches on the underside of my arms from my wrist to my elbow which were inflicted by the big long spiky hedge whilst carrying out the trim. Oh heck I thought, I really don’t need to be walking into a counselling session with these arms and if I try to explain that the angry scratches are the result of cutting a hedge I’m pretty sure I’ll get the smiley nod that says, ‘course they are’. Panic!! I always have a spare jacket or cardi in the car in case I break down or come across someone who’s in need of a bit of warm clothing. Hahaha! Not this time though, oh no, this time is the one and only time you will not have anything in the car that would cover a freckle, let alone two well fed arms. Sod it, I’ll just have to keep them firmly attached to my side and if I am offered anything my whole body will have to move as one to take it. Phew, sorted

I liked the counsellor a lot and we made some headway with unravelling the bits and pieces that are making my head feel like an out of control hedge full of cobwebs and crawly things, so I’ll be going back there again. I don’t think she noticed my ravaged arms because when she offered me a pen I managed to pick it up at one with my hip in a smooth flowing type motion. Lessons learned from today are, don’t cut thorny hedges before a counselling session and always keep a cardi in the car.

It’s been a good day today, I have been fed and watered by three of my lovely friends and my head is a weeny bit clearer. Praise God!

Time Out

It’s been a disorienting time in my world this last week or so and such things need blogging about in order to make my mind less busy. It all started just over a week ago when a bit of a traumatic event happened on the ward. I can’t go into any more detail but suffice to say that I was traumatised and lost my feet, legs, head and coherentness. As is my (peculiar) survival technique I wanted to run very far away, change my name and live in a cave, at one with nature, far from man woman and child.

Alternatively I could always pretend I have amnesia and claim to know nothing about anything, I could even convince myself that the little voice in my head saying ‘I want to be a nurse’ was down to the fact that I’d been more than a little bit engrossed in Holby City. These were all very tempting excuses for why I suddenly found myself in alien territory, after all I could not possibly let the world and it’s wife know that I wasn’t coping, could I!

To answer my own question, yes of course I could let the whole world know, so I got on the phone and told my placement I wouldn’t be back, left a message for my course leader at uni saying that I had decided to leave, told my family and friends that I wasn’t cut out for nursing, packed all my books away and weeded the garden to within an inch of its life. Ahhhh! I should feel better now! But! I didn’t.

Bless my course leader, she wanted to have a chat, which is the last thing I wanted because I am weak and can be talked round very easily. I agreed to chat without hesitation (see how easily I can be talked into it). I won’t go into everything that was said but the gist of it is she asked me consider my options, I could leave now and that would be it, I could defer for a year or I could suspended my studies for 6 months to give me time to think things over, during which time I could return any time from now until December if I changed my mind.

I took the last option because I honestly don’t think I would return after a year out and what did I have to lose by giving my head a chance to make sure it made the right decision. But! The most enlightening thing that came out of all of this is, she advised me to get some counselling. I don’t need it! (I thought) I just don’t want to be a nurse anymore because it isn’t what I thought it would be. She said that she was worried by the fact that the opinion I had of myself did not reflect in my grades or the feedback that I had from my placement mentors.

That stumped me! Do I have a self esteem problem and do I hide it unconsciously? Needless to say I'm off for counselling on Monday because maybe I have something to learn about myself. Try it and see.....always been my motto that has.